Edge of Toon

EVANSTON — After 15 years of faithful service to Cook Country families, local mortician and butcher Lonnie J. Briggs will receive the honor of physically removing the gun from the rigid fingers of Hollywood legend and former Evanston resident Charlton Heston, who died yesterday.

International media are expected to flood Briggs' Evanston-area funeral home tomorrow to witness the burial and gun-removal ceremony, prompting the entrepreneur to consider a hasty renovation of his small chapel, which currently seats 200 mourners.

"I can't believe how lucky I am," said the 47-year-old owner of the Briggs Memorial Chapel and Discount Meat Shoppe. "This is just about the sweetest gig a guy like me could hope to land."

Looking resplendent in a tuxedo with a powder blue cumberbund and matching corsage, Briggs showed off a gleaming new set of surgical pliers purchased just for the occasion.

"Let's just hope old Chuck wasn't clutching his beloved rifle too tight," joked Briggs, sharpening a handsaw. "You know, they are called 'stiffs' for a reason. But we don't want to end up with a Soylent Green situation on our hands — I butcher chickens, not dead celebrities."

A visitation will be held tomorrow at 12:00 p.m., followed by a memorial service that will include clips from Heston's best films. At 2:00 p.m., the chapel will hold a silent auction for Heston's confiscated gun, NRA membership card, wedding ring, and any other personal effects foolishly left on his person.